You are not me…neither am I

One day, Chuang-tzu and a friend were walking along a riverbank.
“How delightfully the fishes are enjoying themselves in the water!” Chuang-tzu exclaimed.
“You are not a fish,” his friend said. “How do you know whether or not the fishes are enjoying themselves?”
“You are not me,” Chuang-tzu said. “How do you know that I do not know that the fishes are enjoying themselves?”

How would others know when they are not me? I am me and even I don’t know. Who am I? I am not me.

Experiencing a Zen Retreat

Part of my new year resolution was to join in at least one or two retreats this year. I did just that a few days ago. Was in Pengerang, Malaysia on a zen retreat from Thursday late afternoon till Saturday morning. It was supposed to last until Sunday but I had to rush back for my voluntary work duties on Saturday. Yup, that’s something I can’t put down all these years.

This wasn’t the first retreat for me but it definitely left a lasting impression because I got double the dosage as compared to my first attempt. In those three days, I went through almost two complete cycles of zen sitting, chanting, bowing, eating, dharma talks, basically zen living in almost total silence. I even had to attend interviews (小參) with the zen teacher.

Eating
Me and my friends got to the zen centre at around 5pm. The other participants were already there and were being briefed on the zen eating formalities. I joined in and was quite amused by the fuss over such a simple thing as eating.

We each were issued a set of bowls, a pair of chopsticks plus two cloths, a small one for wiping and a big one for wrapping up the bowls and we had to eat with that same set of bowls for every meal. We sit in groups of six in a table and food was passed around in a systematic manner. Any food that we took had to be consumed, nothing wasted. After we finished our food, we used some hot water and a slice of cucumber to ‘wash’ the bowls. We then had to eat the cucumber and drink up the water as well, wipe the bowls dry with the small cloth then bundle everything up with the big cloth. The bowls were not washed throughout the retreat…hehehe!

I know some of you must be frowning but it wasn’t really that bad. I think the training was to make us less picky about eating and treasure every drop, every speck that can be eaten. Also, it advocates together action. Everyone had to eat together and wait for everyone to finish before we can clean the bowls. But slow eaters may feel the pressure because everyone could have finished their food and be waiting for just that one person to finish up before we could commence ‘washing’.

Sleeping and Waking
We had to get up at 4am everyday. That of course meant we slept early too. Normally we’ll be in bed before 10pm. Someone will ring a bell at exactly 4am in the morning to wake us up so no alarm clocks needed. I was actually quite glad to hear the bell every morning because I had a tough time falling asleep on the hard surface and spent most of the night tossing and turning. Upon hearing the bell, everyone had to get up, quickly wash up and by 4.20am, be seated on our zen cushion at the meditation hall for the first sitting.

Sitting
I love the first sitting of the day. The sky is still dark, the air is thin and cool, gives a calm feeling I rarely experience back home… so serene. It’s so quiet that it makes me feel I’ve got the ears of a dog because I can pick up every single sound from the nature…the crickets, the lizards and something else that goes “qwuck, qwuck, qwuck, qwuck” while we were meditating.

At every sitting, the chugpi master will hit the chugpi (something that looks like a bamboo but split open on one end) three times, “piak, piak, piak” to signal the commencement of the session and will do the same at the end of the 40min session. I noticed that during the first sitting, whenever he hit the chugpi, something in the natural habitat will imitate the sound and go “qwuck, qwuck, qwuck, qwuck” I had to control my laughter each time I heard the sound otherwise I may be whacked on the head by the chugpi master…muahaha! Hmm…what could that sound be? Could it be the sound of toads? O_o

The chugpi master also had the duty to go round and hit meditators on their back with a long stick that looks a bit like a ruler whenever anyone felt sleepy or needed a ‘massage’ on the back. I noticed that he enforced two types of hitting. One goes like ‘piak, piak’ but another goes ‘PIAK! PIAK!’…really loud. Hmmm…must be different treatment for male and female meditators I guess. Oh yes…the unknown species in the natural habitat went “qwuck, qwuck, qwuck” as well whenever someone got hit. Gee…was I watching my thoughts or observing the sounds. >_<

We had to sit two sessions in the early morning, three more sessions after breakfast, another three more after lunch and one last time before the dharma talk in the evening. Nine times in total if I remember correctly.

Bowing
After the first sitting, we had to do 108 prostrations. I kind of enjoyed this activity as well because it is amazing to see everyone doing the prostrations in such an orderly and uniformed manner. I must say the zen teacher was quite nice by keeping to a slow tempo and not cause undue distress to the older participants. I managed to complete the 108 bows without much panting.

I’ve experienced this activity before but was still quite worried that my leg muscles may ache in the second day and affect my participation in this activity. But surprisingly, I had no problem doing it as well on the second day, thanks to the yoga instructor who taught us some very effective stretching exercises. ^_^

Chanting
I’m never really a sutra person and didn’t really enjoy chanting, especially when I don’t understand what was being chanted. But at the retreat, there wasn’t a choice so I had to keep a just do it mind.

We had morning and evening chanting and actually chanted some sutras in Korean. I remember during my first retreat, I couldn’t follow the Korean chanting and gave up trying so I left the sutra book on the cushion and just held my palms together. But this time round, friends around me told me which page of the book to flip to so I managed to follow through.

Korean chanting is kind of super slow. I’ve heard them in some movies but when I had to do it myself, it certainly was quite a challenge because we had to drag each syllable or word for soooooooo long. And we didn’t sound as nice as in the movies…hehe!

Interview
No zen retreat would be complete without an interview with the teacher. This was my first proper interview and the teacher taught me the fundamentals of zen.
“A thousand dharma returns to one. Where does the one return to?” “Piak!”
“What is a dog?” “Piak!”
“Is that all?” “Wow! Wow!”
etc, etc.
I got stuck on the butterfly…hahaha! Need to give him the answer when I next meet him. @_@

After my second interview, I was finally allowed to 下山 or ‘descend from the mountain’ by the zen teacher…yippy!

My Afterthoughts
Those three days were peaceful, quiet and gave me a much needed break from my usual lifestyle. The retreat was definitely challenging and unforgettable. I had to do things which I don’t normally do, dislike to do, never did before. We even experienced water rationing on the first two days due to a shortage of water caused by a burst water pipe.

Living with people, most of whom I don’t know was also a learning experience. When I see them smile, I smile back. No speech needed, just an international body language…smile. When I see someone needing help, just need to go forward and lend a hand. Everyone just helped out in practically everything. Together action.

However, I couldn’t overcome one thought…PAIN! due to the many unprecedented rounds of sitting. It made my ankle and knee joints suffer and that one thought kept appearing in my mind…PAIN PAIN PAIN.

One voice kept telling me “Endure, endure…you can do it.” Another voice told me “It’s too painful, don’t be mad…give up now!” I really wanted to test my endurance to the limit but when I was beginning to sprout cold sweat, the second voice told me I could become a paraplegic if I kept pushing myself to sit in that semi-lotus position without moving. So I listened to that voice and quietly stretched my legs out in front of me every now and then to relieve the pain.

I believe I’ve not been sitting in the correct posture even though I’ve been meditating for so many years. Or, I need more stretching exercises before my sitting. Will need to investigate that.

But Eckhart Tolle has also taught me that “Nothing is more normal than an unwillingness to suffer. If we let go of that unwillingness and instead allow the pain to be there, we may notice a subtle inner separation from the pain. When we suffer consciously, physical pain can quickly burn up the ego in us, since ego consists largely of resistance.”

Ego again. Will need to try it out at the next retreat…but not so soon as yet. Do need a little time to recuperate from this one. But it definitely won’t be my last!

Flowers
I managed to take some pictures of the flowers during the break times. Here they are:

Four Kinds of Like This

In zen, we often hear “just like this” or “only like this”. I’m also very fond of saying that but what is the meaning of “like this”? Below is an excerpt of an interview with ZMSS on his system of “like this” kong-an practice. I found it from the Kwan Um School of Zen website sometime ago. Read on…umm…hope it’s not too confusing…hehe! ^_^

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ZMSS: We use four kinds of “like this” kong-ans:

1. Without like this
= true emptiness
= primary point
= silence
= complete stillness

Example kong-ans:
“What is true emptiness?”
“What is complete stillness?”

2. Become one like this
= KATZ!   
= correct demonstration of primary point
= hit

Example kong-ans:
“Buddha picked up a flower, Mahakashyapa smiled. What does it mean?”

3. Only like this
= meaning is truth
= true function of primary point

Example kong-ans:
“Spring comes, grass grows by itself.”
“3 x 3 = 9.”
“What is Buddha?” “Three pounds of flax.”

4. Just like this
= just doing is correct life
= one-point correct function

Example kong-ans:
“Go drink tea.”
“Go wash your bowls.”

We can understand these four kinds of kong-ans in this way. You go into the interview room; the teacher places a cup and a pen before you and asks you if the cup and the pen are the same or different. The four kinds of “like this” answers will be:

Without like this: maintain complete silence, a don't know mind.

Become one like this: hit the floor or shout KATZ!

Only like this: saying “cup is cup, pen is pen.”

Just like this: drink from the cup, write with the pen.

So, “just like this is just doing it, correct function, correct everyday life.

A Life Without Problems

A life without problems…that’s what I had been thinking about the last few days when my mind was full and cluttered. Well it still is a little cluttered now but I’m trying to sort out them out, get things organised.

Every now and then when my mind is occupied with work problems, cdac problems, personal problems…this wish for a life without problems will arise. But when my mind is clear, I know I won’t wish for that because that will make my mind lazy and weaken my will power. How will I ever learn and improve if there are no hindrances, no difficulties, no challenges in life, right?

Zen has taught me a bad situation is a good situation. Likewise, a good situation may turn out to be a bad situation. Today, I must contemplate hard on a clear mind…an intuition mind to tackle all situations, good or bad. Only then will I be able to wake up in the morning and tell myself…no good, no bad today…only like this.

“…Clear mind means intuition mind. Intuition means no subject, no object; inside and outside become one mind. If you keep this mind always, moment to moment, you can understand your correct opinion, your condition, and your situation.”

“If you attach to something, then you have luck, happiness, sadness, suffering — everything appears. If you don't attach, this is clear mind. Then there is no sadness, no happiness, no unhappiness — they all disappear. So if you attach to name and form, if you attach to words, then your mind is also moving. Don't attach to anything. Then your mind is enough. Then appearing, disappearing, whatever happens outside doesn't matter.”

“When you are doing something, just do it!”

Extracted from teachings of the late Zen Master Seung Sahn

Yeah…I’m going to try and just do it. Finish all my projects and go on that trip.

Just Let Go of the Candy

Momentarily, I forgot my ‘don’t know mind’ yesterday. I checked and allowed my feelings to surface. My feelings aroused my ‘I-my-me’ and naturally problems appeared, mind suffering ensued.

I held on to something so I made something yesterday. I put my hand into a jar to grab the candy and couldn’t pull my hand out. The harder I tried, the more frustrated I got. But the moment I let go of the candy, my hand was free, my frustrations were all gone, my suffering ended. All I did was simply put my desire and thinking down. Just like that.

“Keeping is not necessary, and pushing away is not necessary. Just put it all down.” - Zen Master Seung Sahn

A Couple of Zen Stories

I’m too tired to write tonight…had a long day in the office. So I’ll just share a couple of Zen stories here. Don’t think too much about their meaning and don’t ask me to explain because I’ll tell you…only don’t know…hehe!

Story One:
Two monks were arguing about the temple flag waving in the wind. One said, “The flag is moving.” The other said, “It’s the wind that is moving.” They argued back and forth but could not come to an agreement. Hui-neng, the Sixth Patriarch passed by, heard the argument and said to the two monks, ”Gentlemen! The flag is not moving. Neither is the wind moving. It is your mind that is moving!” The two monks were struck with awe.

Story Two:
One day, Chao-chou fell down in the snow and called out, “Help me up! Help me up!” A monk came and lay down beside him. Chao-chou then got up and walked away.

Where Do We Come From, Where Do We Go

THE HUMAN ROUTE

Coming empty-handed, going empty-handed -- that is human.
When you are born, where do you come from?
When you die, where do you go?
Life is like a floating cloud which appears.
Death is like a floating cloud which disappears.
The floating cloud itself originally does not exist.
Life and death, coming and going, are also like that.
But there is one thing which always remains clear.
It is pure and clear, not depending on life and death.

Then what is the one pure and clear thing?

I love this Zen poem.
One day, I will grasp it.
So will everyone.
No more why this, why that.
No more I, my, me.
No more suffering.
Left with only...
Just like this!

Yup! We're almost there...let's get there!

Zen and ‘Don't Know’

Ok, I got a confession to make. After almost two weeks of blogging and my post on ‘only don’t know’, I’m feeling guilty about not providing the proper Zen explanation of ‘don’t know’ mind. So here it is, as taught by the late Great Zen Master Seung Sahn (ZMSS), the 78th Patriarch of the Chogye Order of Korean Buddhism who founded over a hundred Zen temples, centers, and groups around the world.

***********************************************************************************

WHAT IS ZEN?

Zen is very simple. What are you?

In this whole world, everyone searches for happiness outside but nobody understands their true self inside.

Everybody says, “I.” “I want this. I am like that...” but nobody understands this ‘I.’ Before you were born, where did your ‘I’ come from? When you die, where will your ‘I’ go? If you sincerely ask, “What am I?” sooner or later you will run into a wall where all thinking is cut off. We call this “Don’t Know.”

Zen is keeping this don‘t know mind always and everywhere.

When walking, standing, sitting, lying down, speaking,
being silent, moving, being still...
At all times, in all places, without interruption - what is this?
One mind is infinite kalpas.

Meditation in Zen means keeping don't-know mind when bowing, chanting and sitting Zen. This is formal Zen practice. And when doing something, just do it. When driving, just drive; when eating, just eat; when working, just work.

Finally your don’t-know mind will become clear. Then you can see the sky, only blue – you can see the tree, only green. Your mind is like a clear mirror – red comes, the mirror is red; white comes, the mirror is white. A hungry person comes, you can give him food; a thirsty person comes, you can give her something to drink. There is no desire for myself, only for all beings. That mind is already Enlightenment; we call that Great Love, Great Compassion, the Great Bodhisattva Way. It’s very simple, not difficult!

So Buddha said that all beings have Buddha-nature (enlightenment nature). But Zen Master Joju said that a dog has no Buddha nature. Which one is right? Which one is wrong? If you find that, you find the true way.

“Only Go Straight!”

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Extracted from ‘Zen Is Just Like this’, a compilation of dharma talks given by ZMSS, published by Kwan Yin Chan Lin Zen Meditation Centre (Website: htpp://www.kyclzen.org)

Some Zen Sayings

To understand Zen, read between the lines,
where it doesn't say anything.
- Huh?

It is the empty space inside the bowl that is useful.
- Got it?

The tree has no intention to make a reflection.
The water has no mind to give it one.
- Hmm...

Open your mouth, already wrong.
Zen is just like this.