Burnout

The continuous inflow of projects in the past few months has made me really tired… so tired that I began to ask myself, am I sick of my job? By clocking 12 hours a day in the office, who wouldn’t be sick and tired right? No matter how much we love our job, too much of it will cause a burnout.

But for me, the problem didn’t lie so much with the job itself, it was the mind that was causing the problem. When working, I should only work but my mind was on something else. I wasn’t living in the present moment. As a result, my progress was slow, my work got affected, I took twice the amount of time I would normally need for my projects. My mind was on a holiday that I wanted badly. I kept reminding myself I’m tired, so much so that my body began to ache!

Well, yes I’m physically tired due to the lack of rest. But now that I’ve completed most of the major projects, I think this workaholic can slow things down a bit. Time to breathe.

For fellow workaholics, here is a quote from another great teacher, Thomas Merton:
“To allow one’s self to be carried away by a multitude of conflicting concerns, to surrender to too many demands, to commit one’s self to too many projects, to want to help everyone in everything is to succumb to violence. Frenzy destroys our inner capacity for peace; it destroys the fruitfulness of our work because it kills the root of inner wisdom which makes that work fruitful.”

If you suspect you’re also facing a burnout, check against the warning signs below. I noticed some of them in me recently.

Some Warning Signs of Burnout
1. Inability to be in the moment - mind is constantly problem-solving, can’t be present in life
2. Too busy to evaluate - always rushing from one have-to to another with no time to heal, renew and savour
3. Fantasising another lifestyle - hoping for a different way of life
4. Product, not process, becomes primary - just want to get it over and done with, actual joy is gone
5. Too much for too many - try to be everything to everybody and not putting first things first
6. Physical disharmonies - untraceable aches and pains, sudden drop in energy, loss of appetite, indulge in comfort food, interrupted sleep
7. Emotional disharmonies - impatient with what once brought joy, mood swings
8. Mental disharmonies - mental block, cannot yield another creative thought or offers the same one over and over again
9. Quality begins to suffer - projects, ideas begin to sound predictable
10. Service becomes servitude - enthusiasm and inspiration for serving is dulled or completely gone

Adapted from Barefoot on Holy Ground - by Gloria D. Karpinski

Nowhere

So what if my life is up?
So what if my life is down?
Stop and remember.

Lead a purposeful, not a reactive life.

“How do I do that?”
Don’t know.

“Where do I go?”
Nowhere.

So tired…
Then stop running.

Nowhere is where I have to go when I’m exhausted from all that running from myself.

My God! Another Surprise?

Guess what? My birthday surprises did not end last weekend! I received yet another one yesterday when I got home. This time it came all the way from the States. This friend knew I needed some supplements and sent me two bottles all the way from the other side of the earth.

Thuy Le, thanks for being so thoughtful. I can’t thank you enough for being so so wonderful to me! The card would have been more than sufficient honestly. I love it!

ps: Now I know for sure that I’ve cultivated at least one good seed in this life…the seed of friendship. Thank you friends…I love you all!

Ego Will Versus Highest Will

Only after reading ‘Barefoot on Holy Ground’ by Gloria D. Karpinski do I realise I have a long way to go before finding my true self. How do I shed my personality? How do I differentiate between guidance from my Highest Self and chatter from my Ego Will?

To rationalise, fantasise, give excuse or ignore, are but avoidance tactics. The writer says we have to remove as many filters as possible, see things as they are, accept them as they are, no matter how unwelcome they may be. Only then will the way to proceed become clear.

Below are some differences between the Highest Will and Ego Will the writer mentioned. When I see so much of my Ego Will…I can only sigh. I have a lot of seed cultivating to do…can someone tell me, where do I begin?

Highest Will: Attentively relaxed. Allowing the river to flow.
Ego Will: Teeth-gritting willpower. Fighting upriver against the current.

Highest Will: Peace and inner stillness even in chaos.
Ego Will: Peaceful only when things are going as expected.

Highest Will: Inner sense of rightness. You cannot not do it.
Ego Will: Self-doubt and second-guessing. Feelings of uneasiness.

Highest Will: A healthy detachment from others’ opinions.
Ego Will: Insistent need for assurance and approval.

Highest Will: Quick energy renewal even when task is hard.
Ego Will: Tasks all feel uphill and exhausting.

Highest Will: A Zen-like absorption in whatever one is doing.
Ego Will: A hurry-up-and-get-it-over-with-and-on-to-the-next-project mentality.

Highest Will: A strong sense of purposefulness.
Ego Will: Pointlessness.

Highest Will: Support through dreams, intuition, guidance.
Ego Will: Reliance only on rational processes.

Highest Will: Rightness is often felt as a sober, quiet yes.
Ego Will: Trusts the momentary rush of excitement.

Highest Will: Synchronicities of all kinds increase.
Ego Will: Manipulations and personal control increase.

What’s for Sale? – A Short Story

A woman walked into a new shop in a mall and was surprised to see the Goddess behind the counter. She asked the Goddess what in the world was for sale at the shop. The Goddess told her that everything she could possibly want was for sale at her shop.

The woman was so fascinated by that and quickly started listing down all her worldly desires: wisdom, peace of mind, happiness and love, not just for herself but for the whole world. But when she handed her list to the Goddess, the Goddess said to her “My dear, I’m afraid you don’t understand. Fruits are not sold here, only the seeds.”

Have you started cultivating your seeds?

女人四十

已經習慣不怎麼慶祝生日了
今年卻過了一個很特別的四十歲生日
兩個surprise party…很意外…有點受寵若驚
Or should I say, 尷尬吧

好友買了我最喜歡的chocolate cake (from Lana’s)
網友買了我最喜歡的cheesecake (from Hilton)，
還通過Skype為我唱生日歌
What more can I say?

一向來都不善於表達自己的我
昨晚真的不知道該說些什麼
只能說謝謝，謝謝！

How does it feel to finally hit the big four?
Well…I would say physically and mentally…I feel tired
But emotionally, I definitely feel touched

Many thanks to Evelyn and Yanny for organising the surprise parties.
Special thanks to my online friends Clio, Mo, Wahaha, Amanda, Tacobee and Yanny for all the gifts, cards, wishes etc.

Friends…thank you so much for a memorable 40th birthday.

有點緊張

期待已久的時刻即將來臨
明天這個時候，兩位朋友就會抵達障宜機場

心情如何？
雖然已認識幾個月了
但初次見面，難免會有點緊張

想到必須以不標準的華語與她們溝通
心裡開始有點壓力
請允許我講英語好嗎？
…………

喂！還坐在那發呆？
還不趕快把精神放在工作上！
做不完，你就別想跟她們一起去玩了！

Bored? Then try this…

Got a little bored while working…
I found this on the SF IMDB board:
http://www.freestuffhotdeals.com/hacker/1.html
If you like breaking codes or solving puzzles, then try it out!

See how far you can go…
Have fun!…hehehe!

Having Friends

All of you know I’ve been working like a mad dog in recent weeks. Besides the stress from work, my mind was also full of other frustrations in life. But throughout these mind-challenging situations, I’ve still been a fairly happy person because of two reasons…Zen and friends.

It is indeed most fortunate that through my sacred contracts or G-plans, I got to know so many friends in this life. And to be accepted and appreciated for who I am despite exasperating you people with my many idiosyncrasies has definitely made me value friendships even more.

Friendship is never a one-way relationship. We take turns to help lift each other’s spirit up, and I find friends do have therapeutic effects. Take for instance the makan and mahjong session I had last night with my cdac friends, it really helped me de-stress and took the nagging thoughts about work off my mind. Many thanks to KK for being so spontaneous and agreeing to have us over at his place for steamboat, a decision made in less than 5 minutes. By the time we reached his place, he had prepared everything and we could tuck in to the food immediately. I like your efficiency Mr Lai!

I am back at work today in the office…yes, it’s a Sunday but I’m feeling cheerful. It’s nice to have friends…right? ^_^

“When a friend makes a mistake, the mistake is a mistake but the friend is still a friend. Friendships are a way of being important in another person’s life, knowing that someone we like and care about is happier, more secure, and more likely to make right choices in his or her life because of us.”

“Friends have been defined as people who know you at your worst and like you anyway, people in whose company you can be yourself. But perhaps more than anything else, friends are people who care for you for who you are, not for what you can do for them. They worry about you when you’re sick or depressed, and they rejoice with you when you have something to celebrate. Perhaps the truest friend is the person who can be genuinely happy for you when something good comes your way that may never happen to him or her, whether marriage, financial success, talented children, or any other blessing.” – Rabbi Harold S. Kushner

ps: Thuy Le, true friends will always be there for you in fine and bad weather…no need to apologise, ok?

Impermanence - J Krishnamurti

This is too much of a coincidence…I blogged in Chinese about impermanence (無常) and today I received Krishnamurti’s teaching on impermanence. How not to believe in the existence of G-plans?

There is Only One Fact: Impermanence

We are trying to find out if there is, or is not, a permanent state - not what we would like, but the actual fact, the truth of the matter. Everything about us, within as well as without - our relationships, our thoughts, our feelings - is impermanent, in a constant state of flux. Being aware of this, the mind craves permanency, a perpetual state of peace, of love, of goodness, a security that neither time nor events can destroy; therefore it creates the soul, the Atman, and the visions of a permanent paradise. But this permanency is born of impermanency, and so it has within it the seeds of the impermanent. There is only one fact: impermanence.

Book of Life - August 10th

A Life Without Problems

A life without problems…that’s what I had been thinking about the last few days when my mind was full and cluttered. Well it still is a little cluttered now but I’m trying to sort out them out, get things organised.

Every now and then when my mind is occupied with work problems, cdac problems, personal problems…this wish for a life without problems will arise. But when my mind is clear, I know I won’t wish for that because that will make my mind lazy and weaken my will power. How will I ever learn and improve if there are no hindrances, no difficulties, no challenges in life, right?

Zen has taught me a bad situation is a good situation. Likewise, a good situation may turn out to be a bad situation. Today, I must contemplate hard on a clear mind…an intuition mind to tackle all situations, good or bad. Only then will I be able to wake up in the morning and tell myself…no good, no bad today…only like this.

“…Clear mind means intuition mind. Intuition means no subject, no object; inside and outside become one mind. If you keep this mind always, moment to moment, you can understand your correct opinion, your condition, and your situation.”

“If you attach to something, then you have luck, happiness, sadness, suffering — everything appears. If you don't attach, this is clear mind. Then there is no sadness, no happiness, no unhappiness — they all disappear. So if you attach to name and form, if you attach to words, then your mind is also moving. Don't attach to anything. Then your mind is enough. Then appearing, disappearing, whatever happens outside doesn't matter.”

“When you are doing something, just do it!”

Extracted from teachings of the late Zen Master Seung Sahn

Yeah…I’m going to try and just do it. Finish all my projects and go on that trip.

無常

無常，提醒我珍惜生命
無常，提醒我珍惜身邊的親人，朋友
無常，提醒我該做的事，就得趕快做

何時才能證悟真理？
何時才能超越無常？
何時才能找到自己的出路呢？

Who Dies?

For years, I’ve been asking myself what is the purpose of life? Why are we born? So that we can die? It doesn’t seem to make any sense at all, does it? But for certain, when we see people dying, we’ll be reminded of the reality that life is impermanent.

Whenever you witness death, does the sense of insecurity heighten in you? Does the fear of dying intensify? My readings have taught me not to fear death because to fear death will lead me to fear life. It is the ego that fears losing the ‘I’. We must shed this ego and ask ourselves, who is this ‘I’? Only then will we be able to live without fearing the unknown, without fearing death. And only then will we know how to live.

Peter Richelieu has given many people a different perspective to life through his ‘A Soul’s Journey’. His multiple out-of-body experiences and journeys to the astral planes suggest that there is life after death. When we die, we just cast off our body like old clothes and put on new ones subsequently. Although we may not be able to authenticate his claims, it has given us some hope, some assurance that there is really more beyond this physical world, beyond this body or shell of ours.

I am here now in this temporary body to learn. This body is not me. This mind is also not me. Who then is the real me?

Today I’ve been reminded again to live everyday like it’s the last day of my life.

“It is because you believe you are born that you fear death. Who is it that was born? Who is it that dies? Look within. What was your face before you were born? Who you are, in reality, was never born and never dies. Let go of who you think you are and become who you have always been.” – Stephen and Ondrea Levine

Goodbye to a friend

昨晚原本決定在十二點就去睡的
結果又不乖，跟朋友聊到將近天亮

醒來已經是中午了
太懶，太累，決定不去公司了

嗯，終於有時間看報紙了
拿起 Sunday Times
翻呀翻的，翻到訃告那一頁
我愣住了……

不可能……應該是看錯吧？
名字…對啊
年齡…也對啊
照片又有點像
但…怎麼可能？

趕快發送簡訊給一個朋友
讓她確認一下
她的回訊……oh dear

唉…又有朋友離開人間了
我的中學同學

Goodbye……Siew Kim

Full Heart, Empty Mind - J Krishnamurti

Too much work lately, no time nor energy to blog my inner thoughts. So I share here another very interesting teaching from the amazing guru…

Full Heart, Empty Mind

There is no path to truth, it must come to you. Truth can come to you only when your mind and heart are simple, clear, and there is love in your heart; not if your heart is filled with the things of the mind. When there is love in your heart, you do not talk about organizing for brotherhood; you do not talk about belief, you do not talk about division or the powers that create division, you need not seek reconciliation. Then you are simply a human being without a label, without a country. This means that you must strip yourself of all those things and allow truth to come into being; and it can come only when the mind is empty, when the mind ceases to create. Then it will come without your invitation. Then it will come as swiftly as the wind and unbeknown. It comes obscurely, not when you are watching, wanting. It is there as sudden as sunlight, as pure as the night; but to receive it, the heart must be full and the mind empty. Now you have the mind full and your heart empty.

Book of Life - August 1st

My afterthoughts:
The heart must be full…
The mind empty…
Truth will only come when the heart is not filled with things of the mind but only love.
When the mind ceases to create…
No more ‘self’…no more ‘I-my-me’?