Post-dating appointments with friends

I was clearing my old emails today and stumbled upon an interesting newsletter that was forwarded to me more than two months ago, written by a former school teacher. In it she mentioned that “Singaporeans generally use busyness as an excuse not to see their friends more often”. She said that gatherings with friends are seemingly being post-dated nowadays, requiring at least one to two months of planning before it can be realised. She felt that there is something wrong with our lives if we have to resort to such kind of planning for fun and friendship.

Honestly, I face this situation too every time I try to arrange anything for a group of friends. Sometimes not even a group, just for three persons and it has to be planned a month ahead. And more often than not, after all that planning, the date may still get postponed or some people will still be unable to turn up on the date of the appointment.

This problem doesn’t just occur among friends, it also happens in families. I know of a couple who bring their kid to visit their parents only once a month. I can imagine the necks of the grandparents must have stretched a few extra centimetres every month waiting to see their little grandchild.

We live in such a small island and are a mere minutes away from each other by car yet we have so much difficulty arranging personal appointments. Are we really so busy or caught up with our work and own families that we simply cannot put them down and have to resort to such post-dated planning?

Two years ago, I got to know a number of overseas friends. We may live miles and miles apart from each other. But to date, I’ve already met up with most of them, whether in Singapore, their country or a third country. Some have even met me several times. I must admit that me being self-employed and single with little or no commitment does give me much more flexibility with my time. But I think at the end of the day, it’s also up to the individual how much we want to do it.

I am arranging to meet up with my dear friend from the US soon. Yes, it may be another post-dated appointment but I hope nothing pops up last minute that will affect the appointment because I don’t intend to miss it.

By the way, I have no intention of using this post to accuse anyone of not trying hard enough to meet up for gatherings. I just want to prompt everyone to think about this issue. Could there really be something wrong with our lives…if we simply don’t have time for friendship?

Learning to face the reality of life…ageing

After working with kids for 11 over years, I tried something very different last Sunday. I participated in an event that involved the elderly. Volunteers from CDAC together with the Lions Befrienders organised an outing for 200 elderly most of whom have little or no family support and are receiving public assistance. The outing comprised a heritage tour on the Hippo bus followed by an evergreen concert at the Esplanade. Sounds like a piece of cake right? Not exactly. We had to attend a briefing two weeks prior to this assignment to prepare us mentally and physically. Besides giving us a run-through of how to handle the elderly, we were also informed about the common stereotypes on old folks. Old people tend to be naggy and repetitive in what they say, stubborn and even smelly etc. I got a little nervous after hearing all that because I’ve never been comfortable communicating with the elderly, much less having to interact with them for half a day.

Anyway, on the day of the outing, I got some surprises. Firstly, the old folks were not smelly at all. In fact, most of them made an effort to dress up for the occasion and some even put on make-up. One uncle even had his hair dyed red in colour, wore a choker and had a ear stud on one of his ears. So vogue lor! But honestly, despite all the dressing up, they could not conceal the fact that they are old and naturally fragile. Most of them were friendly and relatively quiet but several were overly chatty. But on the whole, I felt that the elderly were totally co-operative.

We were divided into groups of threes. In my group were two Chinese and one Indian elderly. One volunteer spoke Malay so she was paired with the Indian elderly. Another volunteer, YQ is a Chinese national studying at NUS on a scholarship. She was quick to strike up a conversation with one of the Chinese elderly so I was left to attend to the remaining elderly who seemed a little aloof to me in the beginning. I tried to be friendly, smiled a lot and made conversation but she refused to respond to me. Hmmm…I was a little puzzled…why huh? Only when I heard her conversing with the other elderly did I realise that she couldn’t speak Mandarin. I quickly switched to speaking in Hokkien and she finally responded. Phew! What a relief! Subsequently she even initiated some conversation with me at the concert. I was so glad that I could speak her dialect. Hehehe!

When the concert ended, I wanted to take some pictures for the elderly as well as YQ outside the Esplanade but unfortunately, the leader of our bus kept bugging us to walk faster and stay with the group. I found that quite annoying. We had to take a long walk to the bus bay and one of the elderly with us had very weak legs and was struggling to keep up with the rest. We kept talking to her and I took some pictures so as to distract her attention from her slow pace. Shouldn’t it be our objective to make the occasion as memorable and enjoyable as possible for the elderly? Perhaps some people felt that stressing the old folks to walk as fast as possible and keeping to the time schedule was more important >_<.

When we sent the elderly back, we had to help them bring their goodie bags to their home. On that same day someone had also donated rations to the elderly so we went with them to the community centre to help them lug the big bag of food ration home as well. I wondered why no arrangement was made to send the food parcel to their homes instead. How on earth did the donor expect the frail old folks to carry that several kilograms of food by themselves back home? It is indeed kind to make the donation but the effort would have been more meaningful if the donor had hand-delivered the food to the recipients, wouldn’t it? Anyway, we did the lugging, sent the old folks to their door steps, got a glimpse of their HDB ‘studio-apartment’ living condition, then we were done for the day.

The entire event took only half a day. I wouldn’t say I interacted very much with the elderly. I did learn a few things about communicating with them and understood them a little better but more importantly, it enabled me to visualise what life would be like if I were to remain single and have no family support when I reach their age. Living alone does not necessarily mean that life has to be lonely. With the support from the community and many of these outreach programmes, life can still be wonderful during those sunset years.

Training to become a peaceful warrior

I read ‘Way of the Peaceful Warrior: A Book That Changes Lives’ a couple of months back. Dan Millman, the author, was a former world trampoline champion, university coach, martial arts instructor and college professor. Following his spiritual quests over twenty years, Dan’s interest in developing talent in sports eventually shifted to developing talent in living. He finally started writing to share his personal and spiritual growth and has published 13 books so far. ‘Way of the Peaceful Warrior’ is Dan Millman’s first book based on a true story but with some fictional elements. The book tells of the incidents in Dan’s life that changed him completely, especially after his accidental meeting with a guy whom he called ‘Socrates’.

Quote: “I wrote it to inspire, uplift, and to remind readers of life's bigger picture and higher promise.”

For those of you whom have embarked on a spiritual journey in life, you will find this book an interesting read, especially when you can relate to the author’s experiences. Many a times when reading the story, I heard myself saying “Hey, I had that feeling before.” or “Hmm…that sounds so familiar.” Hope I can succeed in my own journey to become a peaceful warrior. I shall not share too much about the story. Do read it if it interests you. But here are some nice quotes from the book which I would like to share:

Socrates:“…the ripples of your mind have nothing to do with you; you’ll just watch them, without attachment, no longer compelled to overreact every time a pebble drops. You will be free of the world’s turbulence as soon as you stop taking your thoughts so seriously. Remember – when you are in trouble, let go of your thoughts to see through your mind!”
Dan: “Socrates, how?”
Socrates:“…leaps of awareness don’t happen all at once; they require time and practice. And the practice of insight into the source of your own ripples is meditation.”

Socrates:
“There is a saying: ‘When you sit, sit; when you stand, stand; whatever you do, don’t wobble.’ Once you make your choice, do it with all your spirit. Don’t be like the preacher who thought about praying while making love to his wife, and thought about making love to his wife while praying.”
“It is better to make a mistake with the full force of your being than to timidly avoid mistakes with a trembling spirit. Responsibility means recognising both pleasure and price, action and consequence, then making a choice.”

Socrates: “If you don’t get what you want, you suffer; if you get what you don’t want, you suffer; even when you get exactly what you want, you still suffer because you can’t hold on to it forever. Your mind is your predicament. It wants to be free of change, free of pain, free of the obligations of life and death. But change is a law, and no amount of pretending will alter that reality.”
Dan: “If life is nothing but suffering, then why bother at all?”
Socrates: “Life is not suffering; it’s just that you will suffer it, rather than enjoy it, until you let go of your mind’s attachments and just go for the ride freely, no matter what happens.”

The equation for happiness as according to Socrates is as follows:
Happiness = Satisfaction ÷ Desires
(The fewer desires you have, the greater the satisfaction in life you’ll get and naturally the more happiness you’ll attain. )

Dan:
“First mountains are mountains and rivers are rivers.”
“Then mountains are no longer mountains, rivers are no longer rivers.”
“Finally, mountains are mountains and rivers are rivers.”

*****************************
My Afterthoughts

Frankly, I wasn’t sure what to expect when I started reading this book. It was one of those books that I didn’t choose myself but was hand-picked for me as a gift by a good friend. Another good choice Thuy, thanks! Only when I read books picked or recommended by others do I realise that I have overlooked so many good books out there. It’s good to have friends who seem to know what I want, what I need. To all my friends, thanks for being my Socrates.

ps: If you want more info about the author and his books, go here: Link

A reminder

今晚在電視上看了超級星光大道第二季其中的一場比賽。有個參賽者唱了「哥哥」張國榮的一首名曲「追」，唱的不是很感人但卻把一名評判給弄哭了。那個評判是Roger，一個很著名的造型師，張國榮生前跟他是好朋友。他解釋說哥哥沒出事之前曾經有跟他通過電話但因為工作太忙沒辦法和哥哥見面。事情發生後他感到很內疚，因為沒辦法幫到自己的朋友。自從哥哥去世之後他們一群朋友因為怕傷心所以都不敢再提哥哥或聽他的歌。參賽者選唱的那首「追」是哥哥在舉辦31場演唱會的時候每晚都必唱的一首歌。他那時有幫哥哥做造型，所以每晚都會聽他唱這首歌。在沒做任何心裡準備的情況下又再次聽到這首歌，使他又想起了好朋友，所以感到很傷心。看到他哭的那麼傷心，真的好感人。We will always have a place in our heart for our friends, wherever they are. A reminder to cherish the people around us.

I needed that…thanks

Is there such a thing as spiritual masochism? I had this craving to be whacked my guru today. Luckily the blows came down hard and fast. The tension is more or less gone now…almost like an instant relief…thank goodness. I needed that.

Life's Purpose – J Krishnamurti
There are many people who will give you the purpose of life; they will tell you what the sacred books say. Clever people will go on inventing what the purpose of life is. The political group will have one purpose, the religious group will have another purpose, and so on and on. So, what is the purpose of life when you yourself are confused? When I am confused, I ask you this question, “What is the purpose of life?” because I hope that through this confusion, I shall find an answer. How can I find a true answer when I am confused? Do you understand? If I am confused, I can only receive an answer that is also confused. If my mind is confused, if my mind is disturbed, if my mind is not beautiful, quiet, whatever answer I receive will be through this screen of confusion, anxiety, and fear; therefore, the answer will be perverted. So, what is important is not to ask, “What is the purpose of life, of existence?” but to clear the confusion that is within you. It is like a blind man who asks, “What is light?” If I tell him what light is, he will listen according to his blindness, according to his darkness; but suppose he is able to see, then he will never ask the question, “What is light?” It is there.

Similarly, if you can clarify the confusion within yourself, then you will find what the purpose of life is; you will not have to ask, you will not have to look for it; all that you have to do is to be free from those causes which bring about confusion. - The Book of Life - November 7

Only One Hour to Live – J Krishnamurti
If you had only one hour to live, what would you do? Would you not arrange what is necessary outwardly, your affairs, your will, and so on? Would you not call your family and friends together and ask their forgiveness for the harm that you might have done to them, and forgive them for whatever harm they might have done to you? Would you not die completely to the things of the mind, to desires and to the world? And if it can be done for an hour, then it can also be done for the days and years that may remain... Try it and you will find out. - The Book of Life - November 9

Fear of Death? – J Krishnamurti
Why are you afraid of death? Is it perhaps because you do not know how to live? If you knew how to live fully, would you be afraid of death? If you loved the trees, the sunset, the birds, the falling leaf; if you were aware of men and women in tears, of poor people, and really felt love in your heart, would you be afraid of death? Would you? Don't be persuaded by me. Let us think about it together. You do not live with joy, you are not happy, you are not vitally sensitive to things; and is that why you ask what is going to happen when you die? Life for you is sorrow, and so you are much more interested in death. You feel that perhaps there will be happiness after death. But that is a tremendous problem, and I do not know if you want to go into it. After all, fear is at the bottom of all this - fear of dying, fear of living, fear of suffering. If you cannot understand what it is that causes fear and be free of it, then it does not matter very much whether you are living or dead. - The Book of Life - November 12

Love your life

A few months back, an ex-varsity schoolmate emailed to say that a fellow schoolmate had been diagnosed with cancer. Cancer cells were found in various organs, including the brains. He was depressed in the beginning. Who wouldn’t be? Initially, the only thing on his mind was to be discharged from the hospital so that he could go back to see his kids. But he eventually came to terms with the illness and decided to fight the battle. He had been undergoing several cycles of chemotherapy over the last few months which weakened him considerably but his spirits were high with the good support of his family members and friends. He kept his friends updated about his condition via facebook and only last Tuesday he wrote that he was relieved that he had completed his fifth cycle of chemo. The results showed that the tumours had shrunk and some even disappeared. One more cycle and he could focus on the road to recovery. Great news to all of us.

This morning, I received news that he had a heart attack. He died this evening.

A week back, an online friend of mine said to me that she finds death very enchanting (死亡是一件很迷人的事). She explained why she had such thoughts. She had been reading books written by a famous gay writer and felt that she could relate her life situation with that of the author. From what I heard from some friends, this writer was very talented but egoistic. Her books are pretty grey and depressing. She died of suicide at a young age of 26 after a failed relationship. Apparently she could not accept being rejected by someone she loved and chose to end her life.

Why is it that some people choose to flirt with death when there are so many others battling hard to stay alive? I only have admiration for fighters in life, not the quitters, perhaps not even sympathy. To me, there is every reason to live and never a reason to die.

Living is the most enchanting thing in life, not dying…definitely not. Love your life.