Blind dog at a retreat

Last weekend, I went on my second retreat for this year. Was in Pengerang from Saturday morning till Monday morning. The routine was the same as the one I attended earlier in March. Lots of sitting to watch my monkey mind and naturally, lots of pain in the legs again. Sleeping was still a problem. The curvature of my spine just could not adapt to the bedding condition at the retreat. But I took every opportunity to nap or lie down for a while whenever we had some rest time. That helped relieve the tiredness caused by the lack of sleep.

This retreat was led by Zen Master Wu Bong, the first American student of ZMSS. I first met him a couple of days before the retreat at the zen centre. I was quite surprise to see someone so “ordinary” because most of the zen teachers I have met so far have seemed so stern. The highlight of my retreat must have been the short interview I had with him. Honestly, I wasn’t too keen to go for the interview and was quietly glad that no one told me to go on the first day. But on the second day, there was no avoiding it. The interview was conducted according to our sitting arrangement and so I went, a little reluctantly. Why? Because until then I’ve no clear idea what’s to be achieved out of those interviews. Open mouth already wrong…so why ask? Hit the floor when a riddle is asked…but why hit? When do I stop hitting? All these thoughts kept popping up, swirling in my mind while I was meditating and waiting for my turn to go into the interview room.

The interview went something like this…
I bowed to ZMWB and sat down. He said good afternoon to me and I reciprocated. He then asked me to point out my name on the name list and asked me how many interviews I’ve had. I said it was my first for that retreat and my third experience. He began the interview by asking me, “What is Buddha?” I hit the floor instantaneously. “Good.” He continued by asking me, “When a monk asked Un-Mun Zen Master "What is Buddha?" he replied "Dry shit on the stick." What did he mean by that?” I paused for a split of a second to digest what he asked then I hit the floor again and said don’t know. He said this time round he could see I was thinking before answering and should have kept a don’t know mind, just hit the floor. I kind of interrupted him and asked, “Do I just keep hitting the floor? But when do I stop hitting?” His reply, “Cut off all thinking. Keep the mind free, just don’t know.” He told me to work on that when I’m meditating, only don’t know and who am I? I nodded but at that moment, my mind was reacting and a thought appeared, “There they go again…the same teaching…only don’t know, just hit the floor. But why???”

He asked me to keep practising and said we’ll chat again another time. I bowed and left the interview room to go back to my sitting. Before I reached my cushion, suddenly it struck me…why was I trying so hard to understand the purpose of the interview and the significance of hitting the floor? By thinking and perceiving that I must do everything with understanding, I failed to see nor hear what was being taught. The teacher was trying to pour tea into my teacup but it was filled to the brim with my thoughts and opinions. How can any tea be poured into my cup? I was but a blind dog at the retreat. >_<

Here’s a short Chinese animation on the teaching about the overflowing teacup: Link

At this juncture in life

I’ve been wanting to document pictures of myself from young to now for quite a while but it took a little internal struggle to decide if I should post it here. As an ignorant human being, I confess that I am pretty conscious of my looks and worry about how others see me so my original plan was to share this only with a few close friends. But while arranging these pictures, I reflected and saw how much I’ve really changed over the past 41 years of my life, not my external looks but the deeper me. Then I ask myself, if I can’t even come terms with the me I see, who can? So here it is…the me through the years…exposed.
Technically, all that I see here have already passed and like it or not, they are of no significance to me now. What’s more interesting is how I will be 40 years from now…if I do live to age 80 as what the fortune-teller prophesised. Having lived most of my 41 years in ignorance, controlled mainly by my physical or materialistic needs, I do hope I can do a better job capturing the mental me from this moment till the end of my time.
ps: Hope no one gets a nightmare after seeing “me”.

10 Days in Taiwan

My apologies for not blogging in close to a month. I went on a 10-day trip to Taiwan, came back totally exhausted and have to plunge myself into my work immediately.

The trip was supposed to comprise a quick 5-day tour round the country (which the locals refer to as 雞豬馬 chicken-pig-horse tour i.e. wake up earlier than chickens, eat worse than pigs and run faster than horses) followed by an extension of four days in Taipei. But those 5 days turned out to be quite eventful because we were being pursued by two typhoons apparently. Taiwan has not witnessed typhoons during the winter season for the last 8.4 years but it chose to welcome us when we arrived there. Every day, while our coach was going round the country, I reported to my Taiwan friends on the phone that I saw only rain, rain and more rain at every destination…oh yeah, and fog too at the Sun Moon Lake. Took us so many hours to get to some of these sights but we saw rain water more than anything else. Anyway, we were quite fortunate that the typhoon was behind and not ahead of us, otherwise the entire journey would have been greatly delayed and ended up even more depressing. The tour guide told us those buses that were behind were affected by fallen trees, rocks or landslides along the mountainous coastal routes. I think he mentioned a guide was reportedly hit by the rocks. Now I understand why the travel agent took down our particulars upon our arrival to provide us with free insurance coverage for the tour. We were that close to danger and we didn’t know.

The 5-day tour was disappointing because of the bad weather on top of the tight schedule, and the bus journey wasn’t exactly comfortable. But thank goodness I had good company with me throughout the ordeal, my six other long-time friends from cdac. To make up for the lack of sightseeing, we partied almost every night in our hotel room with lots of food, drinks, card games and so much laughter. It’s been a long long time since I last laughed until I got stomach cramps. With all that racket we created, I was so surprised no one came knocking on our room to yell at us…hahaha!

Ever since I’ve enjoyed the freedom of travelling alone, I’m pretty picky about my travelling companions. As we all know, no matter how long you may have known a friend, you won’t see his or her true colours until you travel together. When you live and interact together from morning till night every day, everyone will inevitably start to display their peculiar personality or idiosyncrasies. Anyone who show signs of being self-centred, uncompromising and difficult, I’m sorry to say I will never travel in future with that person. When I travel with friends, my principle is to see to everyone else’s needs before mine, especially when I’m the one who organised the trip. If I notice unbecoming or selfish behaviours, I get upset. If I know my friends are not enjoying themselves, I feel lousy. During this trip I actually felt apologetic towards my friends that we had to meet with bad weather during that round-island trip. I know it’s silly but that’s just me.

I must say to travel in a group of seven was definitely a record for me. But I’ve known almost everyone in our group for 10 years or more so I was quite confident no one would be much of a travelling nuisance. I think besides the occasional “blur” qualities of the two aunties and a couple of unintentional hiccups, I have to say that this group of friends was generally easy-going, cooperative, helpful and great company. Top commendation goes out to Mr Lai for being so marvellous in everything from beginning till end, especially for sponsoring the Choya! Hahaha! Clap! Clap! Clap! We also know by now who will have problem getting a roommate in future after this taiwan trip. And yes, someone kicks in her sleep! Scary siah! Muahahaha! :P

Lastly, I want to express my thanks to my Taiwan friends. I’m so fortunate to have made so many great friends in Taiwan. They were super fabulous in hosting not just me but my group of friends as well when we were in Taipei and really made a difference to the entire trip! Tacobee, Clio and Kyo brought us out to eat some great local fanfare the moment we touched down in Taipei. Tacobee deserves an award for her hardwork in researching and recommending the places of interest to visit and the food to try at each location. Great job my friend! 辛苦你了! Thanks too to Clio and her friend for the special arrangement to drive me to Yang Ming Shan and Fa Gu Shan. Couldn’t have made my way up those places by myself. The views were simply therapeutic. Love it! Also, special thanks to those friends who travelled for hours from other parts of Taiwan to meet me in Taipei. Really appreciate it. Sorry for not being able to talk much with each of you but I’ll be back and will definitely try to look you up at your hometown when I return to Taiwan. For sure, no more 雞豬馬 in future for me! ^_^III

ps: I haven’t got time to share about what I saw in taiwan nor touch-up the photos I took on the trip. Will try to do it as soon as I can.