「從心溝通」Communicating from the Heart

Even though I am busy with work, I still read almost everyday when I commute on the MRT. It helps take a lot of things off my mind, I would say it’s a way for me to de-stress. Newspapers can be ignored, movies can wait, even World Cup matches can be painfully foregone but knowledge and wisdom…cannot and shall not be neglected. I will continue to nourish my mind at every available opportunity.

One area which I personally have been trying consciously to improve on is my communication skills. So recently, I bought a Chinese book entitled「從心溝通」literally translated as communicating from the heart. I just finished reading it this week and was a little surprised. I already am conscious of most of what the writer advised…hmm…so looks like I’m on the right track. In theory, I do know what I should do but when faced with real situations in life, it is another thing altogether to apply the theory.

So what did the writer teach? I can't share everything mentioned in the book so I will just highlight a few things which I find worth greater mention.

「不要讓重語便成惡語 」
Don’t let harsh words become vicious or harmful words.
Being an impatient, quick-tempered and frank person, I often say things I don't mean. Some strong or harsh words do escape my mouth without me realising it. Of course I do regret after uttering it but by then it's too late. Close friends of mine would know about this weakness of mine and they do highlight to me know when it happens. Thank you for your guidance and kind reminder, my friends. I do appreciate it so please keep reminding me. For friends whom I may have offended unknowingly, do forgive me if I’ve been unpleasant in my speech. I will try my best to change for the better.

One thing I've learnt recently is that I am more careful with my communication when I write. I am less impulsive, I compose my thoughts and feelings better and definitely choose my words more carefully. So I do find emailing and chatting on MSN a good way for me to practise better communication.

「不要只是抱怨，要處理抱怨」
Don't just complain, handle or manage the complaint.
Human beings love to complain. But what is the point of complaining? Does it solve the problem? Obviously not. So we should focus on finding the solutions to the problem rather than lamenting or complaining about it.

「實話實說為上策」
To speak the truth is the best strategy.
This is one of my major principles now and one of the best decisions I have made in life. By constantly reminding myself to sincerely speak only the truth or keep silent, I am more at peace with myself. By telling the truth, there’s less for me to hide, and less for me to fear.

「感同身受、原諒人、同情人、包容人」
Put yourself in the shoes of the other person. Learn to forgive, empathise and accept everyone.
In my younger days, whenever someone made me angry, I would be so upset and would think of ways and means to get back at that person. One fine day, I contemplated on this and realised that by keeping anger and reminding myself of the angry thoughts, it only made me angrier. Then I started observing my anger, practised putting it down…let the thought go…Hey! I’m a much happier person now!

When we get angry with someone, we have the tendency to only see things from our perspective. If we can put ourselves in the shoes of the other person, to feel what the other person is going through, we’ll be able to dispel our anger better, faster. Clio will definitely agree with me on this…right?

「因為柔軟，所以堅強」
Be tender, be strong.
Very often, we see soft and strong as being opposites but in reality, they can coexist. What appears to be the strongest may turn out to be the weakest while what appears to be the softest may actually be the strongest. That’s because the hardest object may be the most fragile while the softest may be better able to withstand greater impact and resistance. To attain greater achievements in life, we must thus possess soft, gentle strength.

慈悲沒有敵人，智慧不起煩惱
Compassion has no enemy, wisdom causes no worries.
I like this teaching best from the book. I truly believe that as long as we treat everyone with compassion, it is quite unlikely for anyone to become our enemy. “Only love will end all violence.” Do you agree? And with wisdom, we will not be so easily troubled by worries. There will be less affliction or suffering. Do contemplate on this.

In conclusion:
「溝通需要雙方共同的努力，只靠單方的努力是不夠的。除了敞開心胸接納別人，對於他人剛強、抗拒的心，也要用慈悲心來軟化，如此才能達成真正有效的溝通。」
Communication requires mutual effort. To solely rely on the effort of one party is not sufficient. Besides opening up the door of our heart to accept others, we need to have a compassionate mind to soften a strong, resistant mind. Only then will we be able to achieve effective communication.

「從心溝通」﹣聖嚴法師著


Lastly, I would like to share this quote:
“Habit is habit, and not to be kicked out the door at any time, but coaxed down the stairs little by little.” - Mark Twain

Yes Mark, I hear you…I will practise coaxing my habits such as my quick temper and sharp tongue down the stairs little by little. : )