Conflict

Every now and then, the peace and quiet in my mind gets ruffled by a conflict. It could be something that I saw or what someone said or did that I didn’t like or disagree with that will cause disturbances to my mind. The level of suffering I experience depends very much on my state of mind at that point in time. Sometimes I think nothing of it and just let it pass and the conflict stops. But when my mind is cluttered or muddled, I will keep thinking about it. The thought keeps hovering up there and I can’t put it down, it causes me a lot of affliction. Much as I know that it’s silly to allow something that has passed, something that has already become history to make me suffer, it serves to remind me why I am still in this samsara world…I’ve yet to see the truth about life.

What do I do when I encounter conflict? I talk or complain to some close friends about it, to get it off my chest, and also to justify and convince myself that my thinking or opinion was right. This is what ignorant people would do. After I’ve indulged in my egocentricity and ignorance for a while, my inner self will tell me I am going nowhere with my thoughts, my suffering is still there. I will then have to search for solutions elsewhere and my first source is always to reach for the books, the teachings that I can relate to my situation. Nowadays, with my iPod, I can also listen to the podcasts from Ajahn Brahm’s talks that I have downloaded from the Buddhist Society of Western Australia website. These two sources will normally be sufficient to give me a good whack on my head and shake me out of my ego indulgence zone.

Here’s what Ajahn Brahm has to say about conflict. Firstly, to stop conflict, we must learn to differentiate between criticising an act and criticising a person. If we can see that there is no such thing as an idiot or a stupid person but only an idiotic or stupid act that a person has done, we can minimise conflict. No matter what wrong a person has done, we ought to remember that there is always something wonderful, lovable and worthy in that person. When we work on seeing something that we can respect and value in that person, we will be better able to bridge the conflict and see the possibility of forgiveness. By growing the goodness, we will see more of it from that person.

Experience tells me that when I am upset with someone’s unskillful speech, thought or action, the more I think about what they did or said, the more unhappy I become. By indulging in the bad thought, I tend to recall every darn thing that they had done in the past that had made me angry. In other words, if I choose to feed my anger and allow my resentment to snowball, the conflict escalates. Conversely, when I remind myself about the good of that person, it helps to douse the anger or unhappiness in me, it’s easier for me to let go of the conflict. As what Ajahn Brahm has taught, it is up to us whether we choose to be the farmer who gets up in the morning to collect the shit from the chicken coop or the eggs.

When people behave in an obnoxious manner to irritate us, to test us, we all tend to blame them for making us unhappy. It’s always their fault, not ours because in a conflict, we don’t listen to how others are feeling, we never talk to find out what we really want in the beginning. Well, the truth is, we are the cause of our own suffering. We can learn more in life from the beautiful successes rather than the conflicts, the failures, as long as we can change our mind, our attitude. Let’s not allow other people to control our happiness, our emotional state. Don't allow our mind to be sick. Only when we're not in conflict with the nature of life can we make peace with our existence.

ps: My biggest conflict is with myself. I tend to focus on the bad things I’ve done, my guilt. I’m a shit collector too. The good dog is having a tough time fighting off the bad dog. It’s getting tiring.