Attachment to freedom

My biggest attachment in life so far has to be my need for freedom. Not just physical freedom but a free rein in my speech and thoughts as well. I find it stifling to be bound or controlled by rules of institutions and opinions of individuals. But as I grew up, I learnt that this is the way we human live, there’s no escaping it unless you choose to be an island. So I allowed myself to be conditioned into conforming with cultural and societal rules.

When I was young, I abhor being manipulated or restricted. I simply loathe being told what to do:
“You shouldn’t say that.”
“You have to do this.”
“Don’t do that.”
Whenever that happened, unhappiness will quickly arise in me and I will hear an inner voice rebutting “It’s my life. Can’t you let me decide what I want to say or do?” And when my opinion was disputed or overruled, I would notice a mental discomfort in my mind that can lead to my eyebrows converging to form a frown on my forehead. This mental suffering can be short-lived but can also last for days, depending on how long I chose to cling to my thoughts. Why do I get affected by such thoughts? Because I could not understand why I wasn’t allowed to have my personal opinion. My inner voice kept saying “You don’t need to agree with me but neither do you have the right to force me to agree with you.”

As I advance in life, I do observe my opinion waning, my mind relenting. I’m not suggesting I no longer have this attachment. I still do have a strong attachment but I constantly hear KK Tan’s voice reminding me “Nothing in life is important.” I’m gradually seeing cracks on my wall. Perhaps I am accepting, perhaps I’m adapting. Or maybe, I am just tired and choose to surrender instead. Why fight over every single thing in life and create even more affliction for myself?

Why do I need freedom? Who do I want freedom from? Me, others or my “self”? Who is the real constrictor? Read on to see what Krishnamurti has to say about this.

We are not basically free at all – J Krishnamurti
It is one of the fallacious concepts that man is free. Of course, man is free to choose, but when he chooses he is already in confusion. When you see something very clearly, then you do not choose. Please look at this fact in yourselves. When you see something very clearly, where is the necessity of choice? There is no choice. It is only a confused mind that chooses, that says, “This is right, this is wrong, I must do this because it is right,” and so on, not a clear precise mind that sees directly. For such a mind there is no choice. You see, we say that we choose and therefore we are free. That is one of the absurdities we have invented, but we are not basically free at all. We are conditioned, and it requires an enormous understanding of this conditioning to be free. – Collected Works, Vol. XVII - 270

ps: I have always been free. Ironically, I’m imprisoning myself when I insist on choosing to be free.