An Alternative Method to Solving Real Problems

I came across this interesting book in the library ‘We’re So in Love, Why Aren’t We Happy?’. I mentioned about it to some friends so I will try to share here some teachings I picked up from the book.

The author Susan Page proposes using a spiritual approach to resolve differences and improve relationships. I found it useful and her down-to-earth method applicable in all interpersonal relationships. It helped the stubborn me out of my well and enabled me to view things from several perspectives I’ve never considered. Below are some of the pointers I’ve noted down.

Communication Does Not Necessarily Solve Problems
The notion that effective communication is the way to a successful relationship has been regularly drummed into our heads like a mantra. But I’m sure all of us have had the experience of becoming exasperated when the harder we try to communicate, the worse the situation gets. Why? Isn’t communication the keyword to a happy relationship? Apparently not. What then is? Compassion, acceptance, tolerance, appreciation – in short, love. We can communicate better only when we know how to love. When we don’t know how to love, we may be communicating our anger, frustrations, our defensiveness.

Love
The author advocates the fostering of a spiritual partnership that involves finding out what it means to love and how to put that love into action. She said, “Everything you need for peace and happiness is within you and that is where your relationship work has to start.”

Love is the distinctive way of being in the world. The opposite of love is not hate but fear. Fear makes us contract and shut ourselves from the outside so that no one can see our fragile, weak, inferior, bad self. But when we have learnt to love ourselves, the love we have will give us the energy to open up and share with others.

Mask Builders
The author says human beings are like a tribe of mask builders. We put on a mask to shield us from the unfriendly elements in our environment. Our mask or defence is our public self, the personality we portray in front of the world. Sometimes we become so used to our mask, our defence, it becomes a mindless habit in us and this defence distorts the way we view the world.

When we stay behind our mask, we look like all the other people who don masks. Only when we shed this mask will we be able to express our true self that is uniquely us.

Consciousness
We don’t just live. We need to be conscious and experience life, reflect upon it and be actively involved in it. Being conscious is like climbing a mountain with an ever elusive peak. At each level, we think that we have conquered and seen everything but something nudges us to climb higher and when we do, we realise how limited our previous view was. We can never know what lies above us but we definitely know everything that is below us. The higher we climb, the more we learn.

Observer Self
We need to activate our observer self and become conscious. Only then will we make choices about what we are doing. Very often, we’re so immersed in ourselves, we’re like operating on autopilot mode with no awareness of our surroundings, no sense of the consequences of our actions.

Beliefs
We always behave in consistency with what we believe. Our beliefs greatly colour the way we see the world. Very true. I always believe in what I see but I often fail to realise that I may not have seen the entire picture.

Evil
Evil is not some independent source (like Satan) that battles the forces of good. It is simply ignorance, a lack of consciousness. “Evil people” are just identified with their protective habits and maintain a frantic effort to stay far from their inner pain. Their evil behaviour is their public self, their neurosis, adopted to fend off pain and cope with their environment. The spiritual response to evil is therefore not hate but compassion. Hate and anger moves toward separation, not connection. We cannot help to heal someone else’s limited vision if we are trapped in our own feelings of anger or hate.

Being Right
Life is not about being right. Being right is like winning the booby prize of life because all you get is to be right. By insisting on being right, it prevents us from expanding our vision, makes us helpless and worse of all, it distances us. So what if we’re right? We must thus learn to bend with the wind and let go.

Equality and Fairness
Life is also not about equality and fairness. When we use fairness and equality as a measure, we don’t have a relationship, we have a contest. What then is life? It’s about goodwill, about making that effort to make a difference. By offering a kind or generous gesture toward another person, it puts us in control of a situation and eliminates conflict.

Acceptance
To all the friends in a relationship, hear this “When you fall in love with a person, you fall in love with the whole package. You can’t choose the parts you like and send back those parts you don’t like and exchange.” Learn to accept your partner as the way he or she is. I would say it’s the same with friends.

Acceptance doesn’t require us to like it, approve of it or respect it. It just means we stop fighting it and allow the universe to be the way it is. By accepting, the dislike can cease to be a problem over time. By fighting and insisting on a change, we may never get our desired result. A more productive alternative is to accept the unpleasant quality and find creative ways to live with it. Genuine acceptance helps us to outgrow our problems.

It’s easy to love people when they are happy and doing well but they need love more when they aren’t doing well, when they feel low and can’t believe in themselves. People need acceptance and love most when they are facing setbacks in their lives.

Self-love
Self-acceptance is the ultimate aphrodisiac. When we know and love our authentic self and feel comfortable with all our best and worst qualities, we become more approachable and easy to love.

Self acceptance is not about getting us in a perfect state so that it is easier to accept our self. It means telling our self “This is my existence, this is my life.” If we have to be somebody in order to love our self, we will never find self-love. But does accepting our self mean we can't have goals and dreams? No. It just means we don’t have to achieve those goals and dreams in order to be a good person.

Happiness
The result of a spiritual life is happiness. The more you recognise your oneness with the essential nature of all things, the more you access your authentic self. The more you love, the more you expand your consciousness, the more you bend with the wind, the more you will experience happiness. Whatever the universe has in store for you, you will accept gratefully, even if it is not what you had in mind.

Good teachings huh? Here’s a good quote from the book:
“Slight shifts in imagination has more impact on living than major efforts at change.” –– Thomas Moore

I’m also reminded this quote I heard at a training for volunteers several years back:
“No one cares how much you know until they know how much you care.”

Don’t be fooled by disillusions in life. We may seem to look and think differently but we all share the same human experience.